I miss my daddy. I think about him ALL the time. I wonder why sometimes I still get so emotional about losing him, I mean, November 1995...that seems like forever-ago. It's too easy for me to recall the night I found out. Sometimes, I wish I wouldn't remember that part. Anytime the phone rings in the middle of the night now, my heart skips a beat. 3a.m...my aunt on the other end of the line...all I heard was "...your dad..." and I knew. NO!!! I screamed. I dropped the phone and fell to the kitchen floor, crying. WHY??? This can't be happening! My heart felt like it was literally breaking into pieces. This was my dad. I needed my dad. At that time in my life, I really needed him. And now he's gone. His smile, his laugh, his voice, the way he would place his hand on my shoulder and I would lead him anywhere he wanted to go, the times I would walk in the house from school or work and see him sitting on the floor listening to the radio, the first moment he held my son, all of that went through my head in a matter of seconds. None of that would be anymore. People came and went over the next few days and after the funeral...saying all the things they're supposed to say...none of it helped. I didn't want to hear any of that! STOP SAYING IT WILL GET EASIER!!! I don't want it to! I just want my dad back!!! I was so angry! I was so hurt! I was so....it didn't matter. Nothing did at that point. And nothing was going to bring him back. What could I possibly learn from this??
That was 13 years ago. It's gotten better. I think of him everyday. I still cry from time to time. Father's Day is my least favorite day. I get jealous of everyone loving and hugging on their father's...of everyone talking about how great their dad is. And I did learn. I learned to appreciate life more. I learned that God will never leave me or forsake me. I learned that it's not about the storm...it's learning to dance IN the storm.
Now, when I need my dad to give me a hug, I pray...and I can feel my Father's arms around me. I can feel my Heavenly Father soothing my aching heart. And I know that my dad is watching over me. I know that he's proud of me...I know that he sees more now than he ever imagined seeing when he was here.
I love you daddy. My heart is no longer consumed with grief over losing you...it is now filled with hope and faith that one day OUR Father will bring us together again.